


i would.

by squilf



Series: here at the end [1]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst, F/M, Face the Raven, Gen, Heaven Sent, alarming lack of capital letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-03 08:19:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5283557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squilf/pseuds/squilf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i would burn the stars for you.</p><p>face the raven happened, and then heaven sent happened, and my tears became fanfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

i.

i would burn the stars for you. i would put out every light in the night sky, so that when darkness comes no soul will look up and wonder what worlds lie beyond their reach. i would cut holes through the fabric of the universe. wherever i went, i would leave emptinesses behind me. i would go through the universe, and i would leave nothing behind.

for you, i would become a destroyer of worlds. i would not be your doctor anymore. i would not be the man you knew. i would be terrible. i would be great. i would be a warrior, a king, a god.

but i would not have you.

ii.

i don’t want all of space and time. i don’t want to destroy the universe and all of its beauties and mysteries and darknesses. i don’t want to be a warrior again. i don’t want to fight.

i want you.

iii.

i want you, and wanting hurts. i forgot that. i forgot what it was like to so desperately want something beyond your reach. nothing should be beyond my reach. i am the doctor, and i have killed, and i have loved, and i have seen the birth of the universe and i have seen it die. nothing should be able to beat me.

i am the doctor. i win.

iv.

there is nothing i would not do to have you again. if the devil existed i would sell my soul to him. the rest of me, this me, will always belong to you. i am yours, down to my very atoms.

i am yours.

why can you not be mine?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heaven sent happened. my tears became fic again.

i.

the day you lose someone isn't the worst. it's all the days they stay dead.

you have been dead for two billion years. 

for two billion years, you have been telling me to accept that you are dead. you have been the voice telling me to go on, telling me to win. you have haunted me.

ghosts don't exist, so i created one. i have tried to keep you alive in my head. i have pieced together the memories, created an approximation of clara out of the things i loved best. your ghost has the same face, but she is not you. i can't trust what she says. i don't know if her words are yours or mine. i don't know if she just says the things i want to hear.

ii.

the stars are in the wrong place. are you amongst them? have the particles that made you shattered and spread across the universe? was a star born out of the dust from your bones?

iii.

in my dreams, i have seen you. you walk only in the snatched spaces between waking. in my dreams, you smile and touch my face. you touch me like i am delicate and precious. did i ever touch you that way? if ever anything was precious, it was you.

you say, "my doctor."

my hand closes over yours.

"yes," i say, "always yours."

because every part of me, this me, belongs to you. how many mes have there been now? how many times have i burned myself to make a new me? six billion? seven? every one of them has loved you. i have belonged to you a hundred times over, and a hundred times again. i have belonged to you for the first second of eternity. no human has ever been loved so long.

"always mine," you say, and you come close and hold me so tight i think you'll never let me go.

you are so cold. my clara was never cold.

when i wake up, you aren't there. but then, you never were.

iv.

there are thousands of confessions i could make. there are some truths i could never tell you, and there are some i could tell only you.

i confess that i was tempted not to give the second mire chip to ashildr. i confess that i thought about keeping it for myself. i confess that i thought about giving it to you.

i thought of having you by my side, always the way you were then, young and kind and beautiful and brave. the universe would change, i would change, but you would be there.

and then i realised how selfish that thought was. the universe would change and it would change you. you would always be beautiful, but you might not always be kind. i thought that watching that happen to you would be worse than watching you die.

right now, i'm not so sure if i was right.

v.

i want you, and wanting hurts. so many versions of me have come into the universe with this pain that it has become a part of what i am. your name is carved into my bones, stitched into the muscles of my hearts.

when this me dies, when this body is finally broken enough to give up, i hope he will find you. i hope that, somewhere in the darkness of the universe, the atoms that made him mingle with yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'i would' was meant to be a silly drabble, but after this week's episode i really couldn't deal with the feels any more.
> 
> thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments on the first chapter. your kindness is very much appreciated by someone new!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Comets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5452286) by [Becks_UK](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Becks_UK/pseuds/Becks_UK)




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